The game has changed — v3.0. You’d be forgiven for thinking I was referring to the launch of the latest iPhone or PlayStation. Alas, that’s how I announced the arrival of our third child to my unsuspecting WhatsApp community.

Let’s call her “game-changer” — for three reasons. First, at the time of writing, my wife and I are still trying to finalise her name from an ever-growing shortlist. Second, the nickname stuck after one of my sisters got hold of my WhatsApp post. And third — because she has, quite simply, changed the game. From nearly arriving in the ambulance en route to the hospital, to dismantling our sleep-wake cycle, she’s rewritten the rules. And like any ardent student of the game, I’ve been taking notes. Here are a few leadership lessons I’ve gleaned from six years of parenting.

Power Is Nothing Without Control

This is my third time doing the parenting business, and I thought the cry of a new baby would come with an otherworldly ability to just get the ‘job’ done. How wrong I was. I’ve had to re-learn the basics: head control, humming lullabies, re-downloading white noise classics — a full induction programme.

Each child, like each team member, arrives with a unique operating manual. How often do we expect the newbie on our team to perform just like their predecessor, without first understanding what makes them tick? Forming real human connections fosters psychological safety — the kind that allows people to bring their whole, authentic selves to work, and contribute meaningfully towards achieving team goals.

The Castle-nomics Dilemma

While piecing together this piece (see what I did there?), I took my 3-year-old daughter, Dasanna, on a road trip to Newcastle. No sooner had we started the trip, did she say how excited she was to be going to the bouncy castle. I am still trying to unearth the relationship between Newcastle and bouncy castles, but I have coined the term ‘castle-nomics’ in the meantime as this sounds like an emerging course that may well be the subject of a PhD thesis someday (insert appropriate emoji).

A reminder then that what’s said isn’t always what’s heard. Leaders have a key role in ensuring that our communication — verbal and non-verbal — conveys what’s intended. Checking understanding isn’t just courteous; it’s critical for alignment and trust.

There Are No Rules

In the movie Killer Elite, when the hit squad tries to eliminate the protagonist, one of them asks, “What are the rules, boss?” The reply: “There are no rules.”

While parenting isn’t a free-for-all (unless you fancy a visit from the safeguarding team), it does remind us that rigid rules rarely serve dynamic teams. Guardrails help, but creativity and responsiveness are key. Leadership requires both structure and flexibility — and the wisdom to know which to lean on.

Outcomes Over Activity

Look away, Manchester United fans. You’ve endured a coach’s dedication to method over results (although I suspect this may come back to haunt me). Leadership, thankfully, encourages us to adapt our approach to the people in front of us.

Different kids will require different parenting styles, likewise, team members thrive when we tailor our approach to their needs and potential. It’s not about doing more; it’s about doing what matters.

Dream Like a Child, Plan Like an Adult

The following conversation ensued between my then-5-year-old son, Declan, and I when getting him ready for school one day:

Declan: “Dad, you can do anything.”
Me (feeling rather surprised at this unexpected dose of motivation): “Why do you say that?”
Declan: “Because you’re very good.”

That exchange happened just weeks before my interview for the National Medical Director’s Clinical Fellow role. The thing is – I took him seriously — and the rest, as they say, is history.

Children dream without limits. Adults plan with precision. Combining both — the wonder of possibility with the wisdom of experience — can be a real game-changer (oh, that name again). It also reminds us that the most experienced don’t always hold all the answers, nor do the most vocal. This informed my approach in some virtual focus group sessions I led in which I created a “virtual table” to ensure everyone had equal opportunity to contribute, allowing team members to share insights freely regardless of hierarchy and experience, leading to a more collaborative experience.

It’s coming home

Parenting isn’t just a personal journey — it’s a leadership masterclass. It teaches presence, adaptability, empathy, and fosters curiosity. So yes, I’m a dad. Get me out of here? Not quite. I’m learning to lead right here.

PS: no child was harmed in the production of this article.

Author

Dr. John Okocha

John is a Clinical Fellow/Consultant at Deloitte and a National Medical Director’s Clinical Fellow at the Faculty of Medical Leadership and Management. A compassionate leader and clinician, he brings over a decade of experience across primary and secondary care, public health, and medical education. He holds postgraduate qualifications in Clinical Practice, Management and Education (University of Central Lancashire), and Public Health (University of Sheffield).

In his current Deloitte fellowship, John focuses on delivering impactful NHS improvement projects. These include enhancing population health, workforce strategy, operational efficiency, financial optimisation, and other aspects of system-wide improvement.

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/john-okocha/

Declaration of interests

I have read and understood the BMJ Group policy on declaration of interests and declare the following interests: none.