{"id":2433,"date":"2025-04-14T16:05:09","date_gmt":"2025-04-14T16:05:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmjsrh\/?p=2433"},"modified":"2025-04-14T16:14:36","modified_gmt":"2025-04-14T16:14:36","slug":"on-being-left-alone-finally","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmjsrh\/2025\/04\/14\/on-being-left-alone-finally\/","title":{"rendered":"On being left alone, finally"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Ezio Di Nucci<\/em><\/p>\n

Imagine being a woman living under the patriarchy for 45 to 50 years. Then, slowly but surely, men finally begin to <\/span>leave you alone<\/span><\/i>. Wouldn\u2019t that be liberating?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Reclaiming menopause<\/span><\/a> as the long-awaited (genotypically and phenotypically)\u00a0<\/span>women\u2019s liberation has been <\/span>in high fashion of late<\/span><\/a>, so I was surprised when one of my favourite colleagues, a medical anthropologist in her 40s, dismissed reclaiming menopause as privileged and reductive.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The idea of the menopause as <\/span>taking back control<\/span><\/i> comes from the notion that the patriarchy wears women down, sexually, emotionally, and reproductively, and when men no longer have use for you, <\/span>they drop yo<\/span>u <\/span>(sometimes literally, as in this interview with Isabella Rossellini).<\/span><\/a>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then you are, allegedly, free from reproductive duties, sexual duties, caring duties, emotional support duties\u2026 the list of unpaid labour performed by women under the patriarchy goes on. Mental load is one of the more recent additions.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For most women however, caring duties never end; they merely develop. From caring for husbands and children to caring for elderly parents and grandchildren. Outside the home, women in service jobs won\u2019t always be able to afford to step away from these duties \u2013 which speaks to my colleague\u2019s point about privilege. My argument, though, isn’t about how prevalent or realistic it is to be left alone, but whether such solitude should be celebrated.<\/span><\/p>\n

And it\u2019s not just what you are expected to do and feel; it\u2019s also being constantly subjected to the toxic gaze of male attention. The menopause must feel as if, in Orwell\u2019s <\/span>1984<\/span><\/i>, all the telescreens went offline. That exhilarating feeling when, for the first time in your life, nobody is watching you<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This perspective has implications beyond just reclaiming menopause: oppression, after all, is also a form of attention. It would already go some way towards a revolution, if men were to just to leave women alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just patriarchy. Think of international development and foreign aid: maybe the answer is not more and better help, but finally leaving people alone (have you heard of<\/span> extractivism<\/span><\/a>?) The idea that care and help are oppressive isn\u2019t new, just think of the church.<\/span><\/p>\n

But isn\u2019t there a fundamental lack of ambition in celebrating being left alone? Shouldn\u2019t we aim for the right kind of (non-oppressive) attention from the right kind of (non-masculine, or at least non-toxic) men, as another colleague suggested? For a species that hasn\u2019t even made it to Mars yet, conceptualising non-toxic men might be a bit of a stretch, but are we being too down on ourselves by not even aiming beyond being left in peace?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Or is this just retreat and cutting our losses, when the 21<\/span>st<\/span> was finally going to be the century of women? Tell that to Kamala. No, but for real: the last US election results are relevant here, because MAGA\u2019s isolationism is one of the harder-to-dismiss doctrines for a left that unsuccessfully tried to ride the pacifist movement at least since \u2018nam and ended up\u2026 please don\u2019t picture it\u2026 being ridden by a draft dodger?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Trump\u2019s isolationism is arguably also an example of our idea of \u2018being left alone\u2019, and this is not just Ukraine in the face of Putin \u2013 think also of cuts to international aid, health research, and now tariffs. Isn\u2019t Trump proving, as we write, that being left alone sucks \u2013 and so women shouldn\u2019t reclaim it? In a slogan:<\/span> Trump is the world\u2019s menopause, and it ain’t pretty<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are other arguments against reclaiming menopause. For one, we shouldn\u2019t reduce oppression to reproductive pressure (attention), and also \u2013 despite #MeToo \u2013 we shouldn\u2019t give up on the sexual revolution just yet.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of the recent reclaiming has taken the form of rediscovering one\u2019s sexual freedom after managing to put decades of reproductive and caring duties behind, thereby <\/span>emancipating sexual health from reproductive health<\/span><\/a>, and conversely s<\/span>tarting to finally use men after half a century (or 315,000 years, depending on whether you count phenotypically or genotypically) of being used.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This brings us back to being left alone, finally. Not just by men, obviously (let\u2019s not forget, for example, children\u2019s endless needs and other women\u2019s thankless judgement1<\/small><\/span>).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If we wanted to get philosophical, we could invoke Isaiah Berlin\u2019s distinction between negative and positive freedoms, but really, it\u2019s just about carving out some breathing space. In societies that are increasingly pathologising loneliness, this idea won\u2019t be an easy sell. Still, it\u2019s a far better alternative than domestic violence, even when it\u2019s disguised as love.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n