{"id":9087,"date":"2011-05-31T14:53:18","date_gmt":"2011-05-31T13:53:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/?p=9087"},"modified":"2011-11-22T16:18:56","modified_gmt":"2011-11-22T15:18:56","slug":"ann-mcpherson%e2%80%99s-i-should-have-been-able-to-choose-to-die","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2011\/05\/31\/ann-mcpherson%e2%80%99s-i-should-have-been-able-to-choose-to-die\/","title":{"rendered":"Ann McPherson: I should have been able to choose to die"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AnnThe well known general practitioner and outstanding communicator Ann McPherson died on 28 May 2011 from pancreatic cancer. She is celebrated for her books for patients, including The Diary of a Teenage Health Freak<\/em> (BMJ<\/em> 2009;339:b3355<\/a>); the DIPEx (Database of Individual Patient Experiences) charity and its websites (www.healthtalkonline.org<\/a> and www.youthhealthtalk.org<\/a>); and Healthcare Professionals for Assisted Dying, the campaigning group that she established and chaired (www.hpad.org.uk<\/a>). This May, Ann received the BMJ Group\u2019s communicator of the year award (BMJ<\/em> 2011;342:d1824<\/a>). Here she gives her final message.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m feeling pretty bloody awful. The nurse and doctor came today to incise the abscess around my chest drain and made the unhelpful suggestion that I might need some antibiotics even though antibiotics make me sick. The GP certainly understands where I am coming from, but when I said that I can\u2019t understand why I have to carry on living like this and why I can\u2019t just die, the nurse said, \u2018Well you might change your mind.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cI think it very unlikely I will change my mind, and even if I did I don\u2019t care. It is nice to see people but if I had the choice there is no question that I would prefer to be dead than to see people. Because I feel so ill. I know everyone is different. It\u2019s nothing specific: I just feel ill, and there seems to be nothing that can make that better. I am already on large doses of morphine and midazolam and haloperidol so that I mostly don\u2019t have pain or sickness\u2014but I still feel ill.<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel really furious at this. I think it is cruel. In my practice I saw people who felt like this, and I felt I had let them down. I think my GP thinks that, but all she can do is say is sorry and squeeze my hand.\u201d<\/p>\n