{"id":45226,"date":"2019-08-06T13:24:54","date_gmt":"2019-08-06T12:24:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/?p=45226"},"modified":"2019-08-16T12:58:47","modified_gmt":"2019-08-16T11:58:47","slug":"kate-harding-the-complicated-but-necessary-business-of-moving-forward-after-loss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2019\/08\/06\/kate-harding-the-complicated-but-necessary-business-of-moving-forward-after-loss\/","title":{"rendered":"Kate Harding: The complicated but necessary business of moving forward after loss"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"><a href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/files\/2019\/07\/Kate-Harding.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-45228\" src=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/files\/2019\/07\/Kate-Harding-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"141\" height=\"180\" \/><\/a>My husband, an anaesthetist and intensive care consultant, <a href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2017\/12\/14\/kate-harding-i-have-lost-my-husband-could-not-be-more-accurate-it-feels-like-a-carelessness\/\">took his own life on 23 October 2017<\/a>. Now and again, <a href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2018\/05\/31\/kate-harding-life-after-a-loss-onwards-there-is-no-other-way\/\">I speak publicly about Richard\u2019s death<\/a>, usually to fellow doctors, sometimes to wider audiences. I never fail to be moved by the responses afterwards. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">At a recent Hay festival event on suicide, someone in her early 20s spoke eloquently and despairingly about her father\u2019s numerous attempts to take his own life. He is still alive, but she doesn\u2019t know for how much longer, nor what to do to help keep him safe. I reflected that she is probably doing all that she can on the latter front, and that the psychological work, for her, perhaps lies more in learning to live with the terrible uncertainty inherent in her relationship with her father; the fact that, eventually, sooner or later, she will lose him\u2014if not to suicide, then to something else. I didn\u2019t talk for long along those lines, however, because I am not sure how helpful that line of thinking is to someone at her stage of life, living every day with the stark horror of the prospect of one day finding her father lifeless, and that her worst fears have been realised. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">The trouble with losing someone in this way and then talking about it to others is that the experience doesn\u2019t make you any sort of expert overnight on the topic, and I try to bear that in mind. What helps me live with the aftermath of Richard\u2019s death may not help others.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">I find it helpful to consider that Richard led a good and useful life for 47 years, was deeply loved, loved others, gave our children a solid and stable experience of being fathered warmly and well, and lives on in our family life in our hearts and minds and conversations and habits\u2014if not as an embodied presence. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">I try not to dwell on the many family milestones he has already missed, and will continue to miss: my daughter\u2019s 18<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">th<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"> birthday, passing her driving licence on the first attempt (like her father before her, and unlike her mother), my son\u2019s GCSE results due out this summer, and so on. We had him for the greater part of their childhood. That\u2019s something, at least, to hang onto. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">He remains embedded in our family\u2019s psyche. We know what he would say, faced with the everyday dilemmas that arise, and regarding the decisions<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u2014large and small\u2014that we have to take without him. I feel sure that he would like the modest but cosy house we live in now, filled with colour, and cushions, and house plants. He would be touched by his family\u2019s support of us, their ongoing closeness to us\u2014even in his absence and given the circumstances of his death. My own family and our many friends continue to be an incredible source of love and strength, and he would be so grateful for that too. I like to think he would even approve of my boyfriend, and think him caring, and funny, and warm, and be glad of his hand in mine, the comfort that he brings me, after so much darkness and pain.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">The challenges continue, of course. The anger that regularly erupts in one of my children, who (of course! Welcome to the teenage years!) refuses to accept any help. The bearing witness to that anger, the experiencing of it, day in, day out. The difficulties inherent in introducing a new relationship into a family still recovering from the trauma and shock of suicide and bereavement, and fiercely loyal to someone we will never see again, but whose presence lingers in our midst, almost tangibly so. The patience that is required, the steadiness, the many, many deep breaths. The guilt, more bearable now, but still very much present, of having lost Richard to a death that continues to feel like it was preventable, and\u2014specifically\u2014 preventable by me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">But we are moving forwards, I can feel that, and I can acknowledge that without guilt. I know it is necessary, it is good, and it is undoubtedly what Richard would want for us. And, in any case, it feels like he is coming too. I feel him like a weight on my chest, constantly. Not an oppressive one; a light pressure, like a warmth, a reminder, a reassuring touch. As if his hand is resting gently over my heart. And that helps me to bear it all, and to go on, with\u2014and thanks to\u2014those who physically remain by me, for now, on this side of the great divide.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>See also:<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2017\/12\/14\/kate-harding-i-have-lost-my-husband-could-not-be-more-accurate-it-feels-like-a-carelessness\/\" rel=\"bookmark\"> &#8220;I have lost my husband\u201d could not be more accurate\u2014it feels like a carelessness <\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400\"><strong>&amp; <\/strong><\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2018\/05\/31\/kate-harding-life-after-a-loss-onwards-there-is-no-other-way\/\" rel=\"bookmark\">Life after a loss\u2014\u201cOnwards . . . There is no other way\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n<div>\n<div>\n<p><em><strong><span class=\"il\">Kate Harding<\/span><\/strong> is a palliative care doctor and part time GP in Hereford. She lost her anaesthetic\/ICU consultant husband Richard to suicide in October 2017<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div><strong>Competing interests<\/strong>: None declared.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>My husband, an anaesthetist and intensive care consultant, took his own life on 23 October 2017. Now and again, I speak publicly about Richard\u2019s death, usually to fellow doctors, sometimes [&#8230;]<\/p>\n<p><a class=\"btn btn-secondary understrap-read-more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2019\/08\/06\/kate-harding-the-complicated-but-necessary-business-of-moving-forward-after-loss\/\">More&#8230;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":45237,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[223],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-45226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-guest-bloggers"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Kate Harding: The complicated but necessary business of moving forward after loss - The BMJ<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2019\/08\/06\/kate-harding-the-complicated-but-necessary-business-of-moving-forward-after-loss\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Kate Harding: The complicated but necessary business of moving forward after loss - The BMJ\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My husband, an anaesthetist and intensive care consultant, took his own life on 23 October 2017. 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