{"id":386,"date":"2008-05-30T11:09:11","date_gmt":"2008-05-30T10:09:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2008\/05\/30\/anna-donald-science-a-wonderful-slow-tortoise\/"},"modified":"2008-05-30T11:09:11","modified_gmt":"2008-05-30T10:09:11","slug":"anna-donald-science-a-wonderful-slow-tortoise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.bmj.com\/bmj\/2008\/05\/30\/anna-donald-science-a-wonderful-slow-tortoise\/","title":{"rendered":"Anna Donald: Science, a wonderful, slow tortoise"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Anna A few days ago, my scans came back. My liver looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. Blobs, blotches, lines everywhere. Three weeks ago, it had looked quite neat. No longer. It\u2019s been attacked by a mob of graffiti artists. My lungs were a bit better, but heading the same way. Chemo time! Oh yay.<\/p>\n

My oncologist is trying oral chemotherapy, partly because I have no veins left in my \u2018good\u2019 arm. I didn\u2019t realise you could eat chemotherapy in tablets. If it works, I won\u2019t need an under-the-skin access \u2018port\u2019 dug into my right shoulder. So far, I\u2019m surprised by the absence of adverse effects, other than being a bit tired. So what\u2019s new. I hope it\u2019s working. Somehow the cricket-bat feeling from infused chemotherapy made me think that if it\u2019s knocking me this hard, it must be knocking the cancer too.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m disappointed and scared that the liver looks so ghastly. I probably shouldn\u2019t be. I have a \u2018flare\u2019 cancer \u2013 it\u2019s fast and frail. Like a weed that races over the ground but isn\u2019t too hard to cut back. My London doctors had said that if I was lucky I wouldn\u2019t need chemo until April. It\u2019s May. Going on June. So I\u2019ve done OK. I just hope that I can keep doing OK. I hope this treatment throws me back into remission. When I can have another go at effecting a miracle (or rather, putting myself in the way of one).<\/p>\n

I feel a bit like a TB patient in the 1920s, before people discovered antibiotics. The answer was out there; we just hadn\u2019t brought it down into our consciousness and turned it into something you could do something with. I\u2019m sure we will figure out how to decipher people\u2019s errant genetic codes and combat their individual cancers, rather than relying on the current blunderbuss, one-size-fits-all mustard gas approach (the basis for chemotherapy). It just might not be for a few more decades. Can I hold out that long? Can I discover an alternative strategy in the meantime?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen faith healing work with my own eyes in people who should not have lived. I don\u2019t deny the sacred is at work, in the (very real) sense that all things are sacred if you choose or allow yourself to be plugged into it. At another level, the scientist in me posits that something\u2019s going on that we just don\u2019t understand yet. Whatever you want to call that something. And that\u2019s hardly surprising, as there\u2019s so much we don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n

Science is a wonderful, slow tortoise that ambles along with painstaking steps: one step forward, half a foot back, one forward, half a foot back, maybe one and half foot forwards if you\u2019re lucky. It rarely leaps: our scientific imagination can only move so far and so fast from what we already know. You can\u2019t experiment on something you can\u2019t conceptualise.\u00a0<\/p>\n

And as well as being incremental, scientific thinking is arbitrary and evolutionary, in the sense that it is based, for the most part, on what happened to go before. And like the weird and wonderful creatures that result from evolutionary biology, scientific inquiry finds itself in all kinds of corners \u2013 and not in other ones, which might yield knowledge and solutions that we just aren\u2019t capable of \u2018seeing\u2019 yet. I\u2019m not denying the existence of Thomas Kuhn\u2019s \u2018scientific revolutions\u2019 \u2013 the occasional, major breakthrough that changes everyone\u2019s thinking \u2013 but even these are usually based on working through previous ways of thinking and realising they don\u2019t fit. They are rarely brand new hypotheses that depart from all previous thinking.<\/p>\n

Because of all this, I\u2019m optimistic there\u2019s a way to get better \u2013 we just don\u2019t know it yet. And I\u2019m pessimistic about science getting to it anytime soon. So I\u2019m just praying that I might stumble across it, as some colleagues and friends have done, even if I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing because I don\u2019t have the concepts at this point in scientific history to wrap around it. I know the chances are slim. That\u2019s when I plug myself into the sacred. Then either I find a vortex to slip through that enables healing (which we don\u2019t currently understand, but which I have seen work in others) or find death as gracefully as I can. The annoying thing is that in 100 years\u2019 time \u2013 maybe 30 – breast cancer will be a thing of the past. I just don\u2019t know if I can wait that long.<\/p>\n

Read Anna’s previous blogs:<\/p>\n

Confessions of a chemo veteran<\/a><\/p>\n

Mind and body<\/a><\/p>\n

Making meaning in the now,\u00a0for the now<\/a><\/p>\n

Tests<\/a><\/p>\n

Back from a\u00a0buddhist retreat<\/a><\/p>\n

Life in the shadow
\n\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A few days ago, my scans came back. My liver looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. Blobs, blotches, lines everywhere. Three weeks ago, it had looked quite neat. No longer. […]<\/p>\n

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